seaglassgarden

"It seemed incredible to me that at the age of fifty-one I was still capable of producing, in all innocence, a completely unrealisable hope. The human capacity for self-delusion is apparently infinite – and if that is the case, how are we meant to know, except by existing in a state of absolute pessimism, that once again we are fooling ourselves?" —Rachel Cusk, Outline

im almost done with outline!! it's a very smooth read, but one that's been sticking in my head. the main threads seem to be marriage, failure, narrative (specifically how we narrativize our lives in order to communicate our journeys to ourselves and others), and the difference between fiction and reality. there's a blurb on the back of the book that highlights how the narrator is talked at rather than talked with, and that made me especially conscious of how and when the narrator breaks her passivity in order to contradict something her conversation partner said or to try to articulate an aspect of her own experience

i talked to my headmate jon about the book, and he had some insights about why marriage keeps coming up: it can be used as a microcosm of someone's life. marriage can stand in for love, selfhood, one's ability to connect with others, a measure of "success," etc. etc. but at the same time—these characters have many failed marriages, yet their lives go on! so it can't represent everything. i thought it was a smart observation, especially since the book keeps questioning if there is a real "truth" behind the stories we make up about our lives in order to render them communicable. perhaps marriage, in these characters' lives at least, is the fiction, while their lives as a whole are the untranslatable, elusive truth. the book also interrogates one's ability to be an active observer of their own life, suggesting that we often aren't paying that much attention unless we're shocked into doing so

ive had some really nice moments at work these past few days. a few days ago a bunch of us ended up venting about our Big Boss and his. uh. his management style, let's call it (mostly about how he gives a lot of instructions and judgements without having the full picture or simply not paying attention to the details. sometimes he reprimands us for not doing tasks that we are doing or gives us three days' of work in one b/c he doesn't acknowledge the time all the steps take. things like that). it was incredibly cathartic. there was one person in the group who id barely talked to before since we work in separate departments, but he kept agreeing with me and looping me back into the conversation. he even mentioned how one of our coworkers made an uncomfortable comment about how a lot of our new team leads were women, and he pushed back on it!! unexpected ally but it's so nice to have another person i feel i can trust

ive also been answering a lot of calls for help around the store, especially up front. a lot of people don't like providing backup at the registers, but i find bagging ppl's items to give me a lot of opportunities to be competent. im good at bagging! and occasionally i have a tiny moment of connection with the customer that i hope makes their day better

oh!! i almost forgot!! i trained someone new and we immediately clicked in a really nice way. he felt comfortable asking questions, and he even seemed receptive to my info about covid safety and why masking is still important. it's so rare that anyone pays attention to me when i talk about that. i hope we have more shifts scheduled together and that we can become friends

my wife decided that he wanted to do something for valentine's day after all, so i bought us a new sweet treat to try and researched things we could watch together during dinner. i had vague memories of a manga that i wanted to read, and i knew i wanted something with similar vibes. i clicked through different lists on letterboxd for a while and happily stumbled upon the anime adaptation of that very same manga!! it was a perfect choice: peaceful, meditative, lightly sci-fi. we're going to read the manga together as well. bee wants to watch more movies together this year, so i bookmarked several others that look interesting. im especially looking forward to the souvenir and its follow-up because of its difficult subject matter and blue gate crossing for its portrayal of teenage friendship. i saved a few lists to look through later; even just a brief peek made me excited to explore more films. i think it'll be a special thing to share with bee. our first date was watching a movie and discussing it, and ive often felt that his perspective makes me a better person